I’ve had hydrophobia since an incident in the second grade taught me a fundamental lesson: trusting 7-year-olds with your life in a YMCA pool is a quick way to die. The circumstances were trivial, but the “lesson” was rooted in my psyche well into adulthood. For decades, this fear I was stuck with morphed with my personality into the mindset of someone who doesn’t like fun, someone who “doesn’t like to swim”. Like okay girl.
The catalyst for making a change in September 2024 last year was a rare opportunity to have a tropical overseas family vacation for the first time ever. The mental images of enjoying beautiful weather and sun felt incomplete without any water of any kind. I had hope that if I could combat the fear, there could actually be joy and happiness on the other side!
The registration for the next session of beginner swim classes was completed, my payment info was entered, but I just couldn’t hit “Submit”. Something in me was ready to make change and understood that if I did the work, I could actively improve my life and the thought of that… didn’t change a dang thing. I was still scared. I had the resolve, but the stomach butterflies fluttered regardless.
But I did end up in swim lessons. So there must be learning in the plot.
The mental interrogations flowed after realizing the dichotomy at hand, the presence of both innate drive and deep-rooted terror.
I started to think about who I wanted to be in life.
Who did 7-year-old me want to be as an adult?
Am I actually someone who didn’t believe in change?
Am I someone that doesn’t take challenges because of fear?
Am I someone who’s afraid of the process?
What did saying no to the hard + scary + confusing work say about who I am as a person?
Would 7-year-old me think I’m lame?
Me to Myself re:fear. Was going to put the good ol’ Killmonger gif here, but this guy & his drip gets the vibe.
It was the “aw dang it” heard ‘round the world when I realized that, at my core, this is the move I make. I learn to swim. Not that I wanted to learn, or was thinking about maybe learning, but “this is what I do, so strap in”. For me to make any other decision would not be me “being me”, because I am not my fears.
I was terrified, but I was also driven. I didn’t feel ready, but I knew I didn’t have to. Being scared had been a good enough reason to act or not act for other kinds of issues I faced, but not for this one. It was a good enough reason in the past, but not presently.
After all, this was during the same time period when I wanted to define the framework of what it is I’m pursuing in life and my definition of “success”, particularly in my career. I didn’t want to incidentally reinforce old patterns that I spent so long undoing, and I definitely didn’t want to trap myself in my own life. To do that, I had to understand that I was reinforcing my old behavior by waiting for fear to peacefully and painlessly melt away. My action was beholden to fear’s staying power, and by giving in to its power, it could cost me a lifetime of free will.
And I don’t deserve a life like that. I won’t impede myself from joy life has offer me because of feelings and doubts that I inherited and aren’t actually mine. Not to mention that 7-year-old me did not like the idea of fear telling her what to do.
So that was my “why”: I provide what I need, I pursue what I desire, and I answer to myself. Fear has no vote. I hit “Submit”.
This is something I’ve needed to remember in my journey to reaching goals, especially when I have to:
- Do things I hate (being in water)
- Do things I don’t understand right away (how hard body float when water soft?)
- Do things I already tried and hated (swimming)
- Do things that seem like a waste of time (what’s so great about being in water, anyway??)
- Do things that don’t seem beneficial right away (blowing bubbles underwater… what am I, a baby?)
- Do things that terrify me to my core (see: water)
Me being able to better define my “why” came as a direct consequence of me making a hard decision, trusting my ambition while resisting the persuasion of fear. By putting in the work, I added credence to my sense of purpose that I own. I know that I earned it, it’s tailored just for me, and that it belongs with me alone.
And also, yes. I now swim like a shark: if I stop moving or try to breathe, I’ll drown. 🦈
Is this done?
No - still fussing with it.
Who is this for?
Me. Those with a close relationship with both ambition and fear.
Any thoughts?
I re-read this when I need a pick-me-up. At times I need to re-live the emotional process so I don’t forget what’s important to me and why I make the choices I make.
I wrote this when I thought that writing for an audience was the only acceptable way to share your thoughts online, so the draft has been changing as I change.