Is this done?
I don’t think so.
Who is this for?
Me. Those who need motivation or want to try new things. Don’t wait until you’re not afraid — that day may never come!
But for sure me, when I go to the Olympics for some swimming battle and forget what it was like to start out as “bad”.
Any thoughts?
I re-read this when I need a pick-me-up. At times I need to re-live the emotional process so I don’t forget what’s important to me and why I make the choices I make. It’s a smidge cringe to me now, but hey, sometimes cringe is the only thing that’s real.
I also wrote this when I thought that writing for an audience was the only acceptable way to share your thoughts online, so we live + learn.
So here’s the thing: I was landlocked until September 2024. Not geographically, but physically.
I’ve had a fear of water since an incident in the second grade taught me that trusting 7-year-olds with your life in a YMCA pool was a fool’s game for everyone involved. It’s a rule I follow to this day, but for decades, this fear that I had been stuck with actually changed and morphed with my personality as someone who “doesn’t like to swim”. Like okay girl. You’re sooo cool.
The catalyst for making a change last year boiled down to a unique set of circumstances to have a tropical family vacation. If I took hold of it, I could take advantage of the beautiful location and enjoy myself! I had hope that if I could just combat this, there could actually be like, joy and like, happiness on the other side! What a concept!
Something in me was ready to make change and I basically understood that if I could do the work for myself, it would actively make my life better, and the thought of that… didn’t change a dang thing. I was still scared.
But. I did eventually end up in lessons. So I must have discovered something.
What followed after realizing I was still too scared to act was a series of “fact and logic” blows to the faces so rapid, I saw stars. I started to think about who I wanted to be in life.
Who did 7-year-old me want to be as an adult?
Am I actually someone who didn’t believe in change?
Am I someone that doesn’t take challenges because of fear?
Am I someone who’s afraid of the process?
What did saying no to the hard work/scary work/confusing work say about who I am as a person now?
Then the fatal blow: would 7-year-old me think I’m…lame?
Me to Myself re:fear. Was going to put the good ol’ Killmonger gif here, but this guy & his drip gets the vibe.
I was trapped in a contraption of my own doing, my own design. I played myself (in a life-changing self-actualizing way, but still played). It was a massive “aw dang it” moment that I realized that, at my core, this is the move I make. I learn to swim. Not that I wanted to learn, or was thinking about maybe learning, but “Hey girl. This is happening. There’s a chasm in between you and what you want, and you need to make it work”.
I realized: I am scared. I am terrified. There is definitely fear up in that chasm. But being scared isn’t a good enough reason anymore. Maybe it was before, but in order for me to change the framework of the areas in life where I could be successful, I had to realize that reinforcing my old behaviour/habits by “waiting” for my fear to peacefully and painlessly melt away (and thus, giving in to its power) could cost me an entire lifetime of free will. And I don’t deserve a life like that. I won’t impede myself from joy life has offer me because I’m sCaReD. Not to mention that 7YO me still inside did not like the idea of something telling her what to do. So that was my “why”: I provide what I need, I pursue what I desire, and I answer to myself. Fear has no vote in any of that.
I’m in a few communities where members are looking for sustainable and ground-breaking change, whether inside themselves, in their career, or externally in their communities and the world. In the same communities, I also see a lot of self-doubt and hesitation when it comes to achieving goals and trying to change life circumstances — the lack of access to an firm internal motivator that makes your decisions more clear (but not necessarily easier, but that’s for another day. Ultimately, this “why” that is connected to the qualities and concepts that you actually value (and not just the things that other people tell you to value) is going to be what liberates you from the overbearing restriction of fear and confusion when setting goals, while also maintaining your free will. It’s going to be the thing that directs you to have the most fulfilling life you can possibly have.
This is something I’ve needed to remember in my journey to reaching goals, especially when I have to:
- Do things I hate (being in water)
- Do things I don’t understand right away (how hard body float when water soft?)
- Do things I already tried and hated (swimming)
- Do things that seem like a waste of time (what’s so great about being in water, anyway??)
- Do things that don’t seem beneficial right away (blowing bubbles underwater… what am I, a baby?)
- Do things that are legitimately terrifying to my core (see: water)
Everyone with a “story” should feel this link between their “why” that drives them and career ambitions on a nearly psychic level — career changers, non-degree holders, neurodivergent people, people of color, people with disabilities, community-centered folks who resist hyper-individualism, and the list goes on. You’ll need inner peace for guidance when someone looks you in the face and tells you that what you want or what you need is wrong. Because you’re already subverting expectations. You’re already forming your own path. You deserve to fully experience and enjoy this journey too, because you’ve already put in the work and conquered fears just to get here — conscious work that some people won’t ever have to incorporate ever in their lifetime.
There’s something special when you are able to access the peace of your “why” at anytime and something really special that happens when you put in the work to find it.
You’ll know that you earned it.
You’ll know that it’s just for you.
And that peace, that “why”, will always be all yours, belonging entirely to you, fueling your fire whenever you need it, and nothing can stop you!
Except yourself, of course :P but again, for another time!
And also, yes. I now swim like a shark. 🦈
So that’s how I wanted to start. I used to love writing as a kid (when I wasn’t busy drowning). It’s only through activities like journaling now that I’ve have a little repo of my thoughts, a tangible reminder from doing challenging things, like overcoming my fear of water and changing careers. I actually gifted myself the access to peace that no other person could give me + a lot of reassurance for my life to come. My main motivation is for others try and access this peace + reassurance as well.
I mainly want to discuss my experiences and lessons learned, but I know that some people can resonate with these feelings and thoughts, so I wanted to make it public. Our world is changing, so it’s going to be even more imperative for us to operate in ways that are 100% undoubtably authentic to us.
So this is what I have to offer here. A sprinkle of “tactical feel-good” in your day.
Obligatory “I’m not a therapist or a mental health professional”, so I am just talking from my experience.